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Monday, June 7, 2010

Fie, Fi, Fo, Fum.

The US men's soccer team opens it's World Cup against England.  To stoke the fires of patriotism and fan the flames of jingoism, here are some reasons why we should dislike the English, at least for June 12, 2010.
  1. Their Players I: John Terry and Ashley Cole - to be fair though, put together, they didn't score off the field nearly as much as Tiger Woods.
  2. Their Players II: Joey Barton and his family. These guys make our felon-athletes look like Sunday School teachers.
  3. Their Food: To get decent a decent meal, the English had to colonize three-fourths of the world. Look at all the problems that caused.
  4. Cricket:  "How long is a game?"  "Two innings."  "So it takes, what, an hour?"  "No. Five days."
  5. Their Cars I: Jaguar, Land Rover, British Leyland, the list goes on.  Their cars are all crap.  They even made one called Tourette (insert your own joke).  Thankfully, they don't build cars anymore, letting the Germans and Indians handle that.  Don't get me started on their motorcycles.
  6. Their Cars II: They drive on the wrong side of the road.  The Canadians had enough sense to drop that idea.
  7. The Royal Family:  If they were American, they would be in a trashy reality show on Bravo.
  8. Their Sitcoms: Why, oh why, does PBS still subject us to Are You Being Served?  It's not, and never was, funny.  And I am unanimous in that.
  9. Their Honors: Knighthoods for singing?  Singing?!  What I want to see is Elton John v Paul McCartney in a joust.
  10. Amy Winehouse.  'Nuff said.
To the Scottish and Irish readers: "Because they're bastards" may be a good enough reason for you, but it's not on my list.  Anyway, in the spirit of '76, I'm going to dump my venti chai peppermint mocha latte into the Anacostia.  It should improve the water quality.

3 comments:

  1. Hey, thanks for making me spray my coffee on my computer screen, with the Sir McCartney vs. Sir John duel to the death image in my head.

    We have a really good English pub here in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, believe it or not. http://www.dukeofdevonpub.com/photos.html Our local soccer hooligans watch games there. I may "go to pub" or however it is said in the Queen's English and try to catch one or two games there, "wif a pint."

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  2. Ah, sir, I must protest #4. Only Test matches reach those lengths. Much professional cricket is played with limited overs, and can be completed in a single day.

    Having said that, I have to admit I have no idea what it means. Just read it on wikipedia.

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  3. My Land Rover and I take great umbrage at your remarks. Great Umbrage is a town in the Cotswolds.

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