Pray, don't do that.

Don't pray for me. I mean to say, I do appreciate your thinking of me, but please don't say you're praying for me. After all, what are you asking your god for?

Umm. God? Please let his cancer go into remission. You know, the cancer that you gave him in the first place? Yeah, make that go away.

Be honest. If you believe in an omniscient and omnipotent deity, you have to believe that your deity gave me cancer is the first place. And if he knows what he's doing, then why ask him to change things.

I would also appreciate not hearing:

• God works in mysterious ways. This is a b.s. way of saying that bad stuff happens and nobody knows why.
• God is testing you. No, not me. Maybe he's testing the oncologists.
• The Lord will provide. Well, He certainly provided the malignancy.
• Rectal cancer? Holy sh*t. Actually, this one makes me laugh, so go ahead and say it.
  

OK, so are we clear on that? No prayers, no cliches. It won't work. Why not? Because God is punishing me for being an atheist.